of shame and trust
by milkfur
Summary: "Thor and Loki are married to each other to preserve the peace between their kingdoms." intersex!jotun!loki and thor. please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**note: **Loki is intersex and I will be referring to them using the pronouns ey/em/eir. It's a rough transition for most people but I promise it will be smoother reading as it goes along! I will update with more chapters if this is received well.

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Thor knows why Laufey agreed to the marriage, he knows it right when he looks at his betrothed - starved and trembling slightly as ey takes eir place, standing in front of Thor and looking at him with a gaze that doesn't quite register. Everything about Loki is vague, save for the violent red paint decorating eir stomach. Thor means to ask about it, but doesn't have time before the ceremony starts. It's all a blur - their vows, the ribbon, the dowry, the gifts, and Frigga whisking Loki away with murmurs of comfort and _'we really must get you cleaned up'. _

.

Loki sits beside Frigga, eyeing the meat on eir plate with pupils blown so wide the reds aren't even visible. The paint from eir stomach is gone. Only when Loki picks up a leg of meat does Thor pull Frigga aside for questioning about his spouse, hidden in one of the far corners of the dining hall. _What is wrong with em? What was all the fuss about? _And Frigga answers with soft words about how Laufey had sent Loki on a walk of shame.

The runes depicted three of Loki's previous children, conceived by accident from the carnage of an immortal heart. The runes identified Loki as a whore and a monster-bearer to whoever could read them. Thor is appalled. By Loki's children or Laufey's actions, he does not know. Frigga advises against speaking of it to em. "Marriage is a very delicate thing, my son."

_Loki is a very delicate thing, as well._

.

Loki is acting drunk when Thor and Frigga return, stomach visibly distended from the amount of food ey had eaten in such a short amount of time, cheeks dusted dark indigo. Ey gets up, looking hazily at Thor and stepping towards em. Thor is very aware of how the silk between Loki's legs rubs against eir thighs, and the coolness of Loki's hands as ey grabs Thor to steady emself. Eir accent is increasingly thick now, "Where am I to sleep tonight?"

So Thor shows em to their wedding chambers. There's a bed draped in sheets made of silk, almost identical to Loki's loincloth. Thor watches as Loki sheds the gold of eir horns and wrists, he notes the three silver piercings that trail up from Loki's bellybutton. He imagines his tongue there.

Loki's cheeks are darker now, and Thor fears his thoughts are being read. Loki is a sorcerer, after all.

He leaves hastily.

.

No one asks how Loki is, and Thor doubts they even care. He eats alongside his fellow warriors, and despite this being a celebration of marriage, of joining kingdoms - the frost giants have left. Thor does not doubt the validity of the peace between their realms, and he does not blame them for leaving. The room quickly becomes sticky with sweat and mead, and Thor can only imagine how uncomfortable Loki would be if ey were still here.

Thor dances with Sif, and she places a kiss upon his cheek. Thor wants to ask for another. Her lips invite him, but he is reminded of Loki now, sick and alone, and he does not venture farther.

.

Loki is on the edge of the bed when Thor returns, black hair spilled out like oil, stark and beautiful against the sheets. But ey is asleep, and Thor does his best not to disturb em as he sheds his wedding garb and finally rests his head against the soft pillows. It is hard to fall asleep when Loki starts twitching and shifting. Thor thinks he can ignore it, but it progresses to soft whimpering and growling, and Thor knows he has to do something.

He sits up and extends a hand to touch Loki's shoulder, the word 'husband' threatens to form on his lips, but he knows it's not right. Their languages did not translate as cleanly as they needed to, as _Thor_ desperately needed them to.

"Loki, what is the ma-"

"Do not touch me." the words hit Thor like a whip, and he is unable to respond, at least for a short while.

"I only wish to know what troubles you."

Loki's back is to him, so he cannot detect a response aside from the muscles in eir back relaxing and bunching sporadically. A low rumble pours from Loki as ey sits up, and Thor is frozen, trapped by Loki's red gaze. It is glazed, but full of something Thor has seen on many occasions - in others, and in himself. _Lust._

.

Loki mewls like a cat in heat, and rides Thor's hand, pressing it hard between eir legs with eir hand. Thor kisses em softly and open-mouthed, and he's grateful that Loki doesn't bite down on his tongue with dagger-like teeth. Loki is breathing frost into his lungs, arms draped heavily around Thor's shoulders. Ey isn't coherent, and Thor's cock twitches when _'beloved, beloved'_ tumbles from Loki's mouth and into his.

Loki has no reason to claim Thor as eir beloved. They hardly know each other. For some reason this sets a fire alight in Thor's chest that fuels the thunder outside, and Loki responds with a loud purr. Eir heat had attacked em so suddenly, Thor couldn't help but wonder how long it had been put off by hunger. Days? Weeks? _Months? _

Thor's hand is slick when Loki lets go of it in favor of pressing emself down onto Thor's lap, teasing and goading Thor relentlessly.

_Beloved, beloved mine._

.

Loki watches him through half-lidded eyes, once-smooth hair now mussed and knotted. Ey fondly attempted to braid Thor's hair, fingers shaky, but determined. Thor imagined Loki at eir full-strength; lean muscle and lithe strength, starved beauty replaced by exotic power. He was grateful for this, that they did not hate each other, at least, not yet.

If Loki ended up hating him, it was not hard to imagine eir horns piercing his armor. It was not hard to envision blood decorating blue lips like rubies, or teeth tearing flesh.

_Are you asleep, beloved? _


	2. Chapter 2

**note:** i'm still kind of editing this because i've been in a rut for the past week and a half. so if little things changes don't be too alarmed.

tw: for misgendering at the end of the chapter.

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Thor stirs from his sleep gradually. His vision is hazy and he can't quite make out the shadowy figure slinking towards him. A small amount of light filters through the window, making the wrinkles in the sheets look like tiny mountain ranges - smoothed out by blue hands as Loki gingerly straddles Thor's stomach. Eir skin is cold, bitterly cold, and it causes goose-flesh to rise atop Thor's skin.

Eir hair is done entirely in tiny braids that cascade over the ridges of eir spine and ribs. The soft scent of oils and sweet perfumes wafts away from eir skin. Thor is still captivated by Loki's beauty; so different from the Jotnar he had always known to fear. He doesn't protest when Loki finally settles and rests eir head upon his chest.

"I'm going to stay here awhile, husband." ey murmurs absentmindedly, voice thick with the remnants of a language ey no longer tries to hide.

Thor laughs under his breath, "Why is that?" he teases, and Loki bristles.

"You are very warm, and that is what I want right now."

Loki sighs, and Thor can smell eir breakfast on eir breath - red meat and fish. Ey had probably eaten and then crawled back to bed to sleep for a few more hours until they were both fit to wake. Thor feels Loki fall asleep, eir breathing evens out alongside eir freezing temperature. He, too, begins to lose himself to sleep.

.

Loki responds aggressively to every stare and whispered comment; Thor can see the tiny shards forming on eir forearms as they walk the halls side by side. He guesses that ey is trying hard not to let solid blades of ice completely cover eir arms in defense - so Thor offers his arm for Loki to hold, and ey reluctantly takes hold of it.

"In time they will grow used to you." Thor's words fall flat, because he knows that _Loki_ knows that it is not true.

Fandral greets them almost as soon as they step foot on the grounds outside. The sky is overcast, and the air unusually cold. Fandral congratulates them on their marriage - though he is obviously unsettled from seeing Loki up close - and then invites them to the training grounds. Thor accepts readily, but Loki quietly drops eir arm away from Thor's and excuses emself - murmuring that ey feels ill.

Ey quickly retreats, and Thor doesn't say a word in protest.

He doesn't see em until after the day has almost finished.

.

Baldr is the one to bring it up at their dinner. It is a brutish, unwise topic that Odin lets him start without any protest.

"If we were to go to war, we would want bigger horses, would we not?"

Loki has not yet touched eir food, and visibly bristles at the comment. Thor knows that the Jotnar have horses - large horses - but they are not for riding. They are for carrying excess supplies on long journeys, and only for royalty. Even those married into Jotnar royalty would not be able to use them, and if they were - it would be a special privilege.

"I suppose, my son."

Thor is across from Loki, who is sitting directly in between Frigga and Baldr. Ey seems uncomfortable with the arrangement when Baldr decides to go on. Frigga whispers something to em about him being _'but a boy'_.

"Or-!" this is when Thor realizes Baldr has indulged in his wine long before dinner had started, "We could use _monsters!" _

Loki's chair squeals as it is shoved back and Loki roughly grabs Baldr by his neck, fingers leaving black marks of frostbite. Ey bares eir teeth and hisses loudly in a language Thor has never heard before; though it is rough and angry. Baldr stares up at em with nothing but pure terror, but Loki does not seem to be appeased by his cowardice and submission now. He tries to pry Loki's fingers from his windpipe to no avail. What makes it worse is that Odin and Frigga merely stare, as if they are in shock.

_"Loki." _Thor growls, and Loki glares at him as if he has done something unforgivable. Ey releases him, and stalks away from the table and out of the room. A heavy feeling settles, and it grows unbearably tense - the silence only interrupted by Baldr's panicked ramblings of _'how dare she'_ and _'have control over your wife, brother mine!' _

Thor is not sure what he finds worse; Frigga walking Baldr to the healing rooms by herself, or Odin expressing his anger and disappointment to Thor only after they have left.


	3. Chapter 3

i have written and rewritten this a total of fourteen times. in a fit of rage i deleted all of my plotting for this entire fanfic. enjoy. not edited of course.

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Odin shouts at him with a fury Thor has never witnessed before; need he be reminded that marrying Loki was a 'delicate choice'? Need he be reminded that Asgard and Jotunheim had been at war for _centuries_, and it was only Jotunheim's temporary lapse of strength that had forced Laufey to negotiate? _Need he be reminded?_

.

Loki is not in their chambers. Thor begins to search, inquiring eir whereabouts to every servant and wench in the hallways - they point him in various directions, claiming to have seen em turn corners, and some say that they hadn't seen anyone. His anger slowly builds as he turns a corner only to find himself back at their chambers, and that is when he _snaps._

_"Where is Loki?" _he booms, holding a servant close by the front of his shirt and shaking him.

"I did not lie to you, prince! She went that way!" he points a shaking finger in the direction Thor had already gone. Thor bares his teeth in a wicked, angry grimace.

"You better not be sending me on another wild chase, or I will have your head." he bites out, thoroughly frustrated with the time he has lost looking for his spouse. Loki could be anywhere by now. Shoving the servant away gives him a small amount of satisfaction, and then he continues on.

He hadn't noticed her at first, but as he goes down yet another hallway he sees a wench that he does not recognize. She's carrying a tray with a considerable amount of food and a cup filled almost to the top with wine. Thor stops and is about to ask her if she's seen Loki - but there's something odd about this one.

"You there-"

"Please do not speak to me." She says curtly. Thor stares at her incredulously.

"You should not interrupt me, wench."

"I'm busy." She smirks at him, and then he sees it. Pointed teeth, the remnants of dark blue lines slithering to hide themselves under her clothes, the faint sound of gold jingling.

.

_"Loki!"_ he says, voice low as he grabs eir shoulders roughly and pins em to the wall. Ey drops the tray and the food crashes to the ground, wine sloshing at Thor's boots. Ey smiles as the blue of eir skin melts through the thin layer of seiðr - the mask of the wench and her clothes disappear leaving em in eir original loincloth and jewels. Loki seems unfazed by Thor's harsh grip, but responds by digging eir nails deep into his forearms.

"Oh, what a fool you are, husband." Loki purrs, flexing eir fingers so that blood wells around them. Thor bites his tongue to keep from wincing at the small wounds Loki has inflicted.

"You made me look weak in front of my family_."_

"I'm sorry, dear Thor, I'm a bit confused. Was it you who appeared to be weak, or I who appeared to be dangerous?"

_"I want you to apologize!"_

"I have nothing to apologize for. It's Baldr who should apologize to _me_ for even entertaining the idea that my children would be used in your _petty_ wars." Loki spat in his eye and laughed, trying to break free of his hold and failing. Thor's face was beet red and he grunted, trying to wipe it off on his shoulder without letting Loki go.

Before Thor knew what was happening Loki had managed to kick him in the stomach hard enough to knock the breath out of him. Ey scrambled onto him and gave him a smug look, stroking the side of his face with a cool hand.

"Now, tell me again; was it you who appeared weak, or am I perceived as a threat?"

Thor wheezes, _"...Loki."_

"Try not to strain yourself, husband." ey murmurs, slapping his face a little, using eir thumb to wipe the spit from his eye. Thor feels shame burning hot in his belly once more as he regains his ability to speak.

"You are _wicked,"_ he murmurs as he sits up, surprised when Loki actually lets him do so. Ey runs eir hands fleeting across the oozing indentations on Thor's arms, thin wisps of seiðr pooling into them and mending broken skin.

"So they tell me." Loki snaps.

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"_Ása-Thor._ The mighty _thunderer _and _I_, the 'mother' of_ monsters. _I cannot help but wonder..." Loki murmurs, nails pressing lightly against Thor's throat. Ey had calmed Thor down quite some time ago and now they lay, sprawled across the pelt of a great beast in their chambers, with Loki settled low on Thor's hips and musing. Thor didn't particularly enjoy Loki's sharpened nails against his skin, but he dare not say anything in protest. "I cannot help but wonder what the realms would think of our child."

"They would not dare to spread rumors."

"We shall see." Loki drawls, a languid smile on eir face as Thor's hands encircle eir waist. He kisses em softly, grinning when Loki shoves eir tongue into his mouth and eir hand presses against his cheek.


End file.
